Dear-Ms-Kerrang News Opinion Piece

Dear Ms Kerrang, Answers Your Questions: When The Going Get’s Tough, Frantic Aunty to The Rescue

Words by: Francijn Suermondt

 

From the deepest darkest depths of that rock civilisation known as Ye Olde England Of The Mosh Pit, Frantic Aunty (AKA Miss Kerrang 1992) is ready to help all MyGlobalMind metal heads out there with any problems they may have.  With years …and years ….and years …. And (we could go on all night) of over excited experience and bally well far too much fun, Frantic Aunty is now ready to share her wisdom with you all.

Worried that your look is more spam than glam? Frantic Aunty will be your knightess in platform boots.

Having problems with the opposite sex?  Frantic Aunty has been around the block and we don’t mean just in her Skoda.

Pick up a pen and write a letter, pick up your finger and send an email …… and pick up your nerve goddamn it and ask for help!

Ms Kerrang

 

Agony 1

Question: Dear Ms Kerrang, I’m an old school punk living with my mom.  I’ve been instant messaging with a metal head on Facebook, she seem interesting, clever and fun. I think we have a lot in common. Sooooo… if I ask her for her number so we can have a phone conversation… will I stop liking the Ramones and start liking Iron Maiden?  Signed: “Just looking for a friend in  this crazy world.

Answer: Dear Crazy World Guy (or gal!)

And what the rat in hells ass is wrong with Iron Maiden?!!!!!! You don’t say how old you are…are you a 40 year old guy still living with mum or a feral teenage dirtbag?  No matter cos, jeez louise, there is room in my record collection for punk AND metal, and there should be in yours too!  Look at The Ramones and Motorhead, their vibe is thunderously heavy and has the speed of old school punk!

So, don’t fret darling, this could be a boisterously beautiful coupling, sweet thang,….and just be grateful that the object of your desires is not a whining Justin Bieber fan…heaven forbid!

 

…..Miss Kerrang ..Frantic Aunty

 

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